An Open Letter to Katy Perry from the Magnolia Maids of Bienville, Alabama
Dear Katy Perry,
Greetings! We are the Magnolia Maids of Bienville, Alabama. You may have heard of us? We are high school seniors who wear antebellum dresses just like Scarlett O’Hara did, and we proudly represent our fine city at events around our state, the country, and the world!
Anyway, we are writing first to say CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are the only singer to have five top ten hits off one album since Michael Jackson’s Thriller? You rule! Go, girl power! WE LOVE YOU! We are SUCH big fans of “Teenage Dream”! In fact, as Bienville’s finest, we are LIVING IT!
That being said, we are writing today because we have some concerns about your latest hit, “Last Friday Night.” For days we were humming it in etiquette class, belting out the chorus –“Last Friday Night, yeah we danced on tabletops, and we took too many shots” – while practicing our curtseys. Then we started paying attention to the words and realized what the song is about, and, well, we have some questions for you about what all happened:
5. Despite what you said about photos ending up on line that mean “you’re screwed”, we can’t seem to find them anywhere, gosh darn it. Can you send us in the right direction?
What concerns us the most, Katie, is that you want to “do it all again, do it all again” this Friday night. And that’s why we’re writing. See, our educational outreach project this year is TAAABU, a.k.a. Teens Against Alcohol ABUse, and we have been learning SOOOOOOO much about binge drinking, drunk driving, and alcohol poisoning. Frankly, we’re just an itsy bit concerned that since last Friday night is all “a blacked out blur”, you may have a little problem.
Please, please don’t hurt yourself or anyone else! If you contact us at email@example.com, we will gladly help you get back on track so that you can continue to be the super mega star you are and entertain the world far into the distant future! And not from prison or rehab!
Yours in Magnolia Love,
The Magnolia Maids of Bienville, Alabama:
Jane Fontaine Ventouras, Magnolia Queen
Brandi Lyn Corey, First Lady in Waiting
Ashley LaFleur, Second Lady in Waiting
Mallory Ross, Maid
Zara Alexander, Maid
Caroline Upton, Alternate
NOTE: This letter officially brought to you by Crickett Rumley, author of Never Sit Down in a Hoopskirt and Other Things I Learned in Southern Belle Hell.