An Open Letter to Katy Perry from the Magnolia Maids of Bienville, Alabama
Dear Katy Perry,
Greetings! We are the Magnolia Maids of Bienville, Alabama. You may have heard of us? We are high school seniors who wear antebellum dresses just like Scarlett O’Hara did, and we proudly represent our fine city at events around our state, the country, and the world!
Anyway, we are writing first to say CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are the only singer to have five top ten hits off one album since Michael Jackson’s Thriller? You rule! Go, girl power! WE LOVE YOU! We are SUCH big fans of “Teenage Dream”! In fact, as Bienville’s finest, we are LIVING IT!
That being said, we are writing today because we have some concerns about your latest hit, “Last Friday Night.” For days we were humming it in etiquette class, belting out the chorus –“Last Friday Night, yeah we danced on tabletops, and we took too many shots” – while practicing our curtseys. Then we started paying attention to the words and realized what the song is about, and, well, we have some questions for you about what all happened:
1. Did you ever figure out who the stranger in your bed was? Jane wants to know was he hot? And a) did you…? And b) if you did, did you use a…? We certainly hope the answers are a) NO, and b) YES. Although Brandi Lyn is VERY concerned you may have violated the Ten Commandments and cheated on Russell Brand. Please tell her that can’t be true, or she is going to have to go back to listening to Christian rock only. Oh! And Caroline is super worried that you might have caught an STD? How long do you think it’ll take before you know if you did or not?
2. We all agree it’s probably a good thing that your car got towed so that you couldn’t drive it while intoxicated, possibly causing a wreck and maybe killing somebody. That would suck. Both for you because you’d end up in jail, and all your fans everywhere who would never get to hear you sing live again. Oh, and for the dearly departed, too, because he/she would be well…DEAD.
3. Regarding the dancing on table tops, Caroline worries that downing all those shots might have meant you didn’t have good balance and you may have fallen over and broken something. An arm, a leg, some guy named Danny Dean’s favorite beer mug? Please advise.
4. Zara wants to know why there is a warrant out for your arrest? You didn’t get so drunk you robbed a liquor store, graffitied an historic landmark, or committed a hate crime, did you? We know a little something about jail – don’t tell anyone though ‘cause we are SWORN to secrecy – and believe us, you don’t want to spend any time there!
5. Despite what you said about photos ending up on line that mean “you’re screwed”, we can’t seem to find them anywhere, gosh darn it. Can you send us in the right direction?
6. What about maxing out all your credit cards? You make a lot of money, Katie, so your credit limit must be really high, which leads us to ask, what in the world did you buy? Some of us are taking bets: Ashley says it must be an airplane, Caroline is convinced it’s a yacht, Mallory would like to think you drunk dialed your assistant and got her to buy you a makeup company. And a fur coat.
7. Also, Mallory was very upset to hear you drank so much that you forgot whether or not you kissed a cute boy. THAT’S clearly a mistake. Mallory wants you to know that kissing cute boys should be remembered. It’s no fun if it’s all blurred out by a haze of jello shots!
8. Menage a trois? Katie! Are you sure you should be telling people that? Jane believes that’s the kind of thing you tell NO ONE. That you write in your diary to never be found until after you’re dead. At which point your grandchildren will think you were so cool in your young age but it’ll be too late for them to confront you with the truth, thank goodness!
9. Skinny dipping in the dark, well, we’ll turn a blind eye to that one since several of us around Bienville have grown up with houses on the Mobile Bay or the Bird River, so well, skinny dipping does happen around these parts. But streaking in the park? Ashley says a good Southern Belle would never streak. Well, maybe across her own property. But never in a public place, never!
What concerns us the most, Katie, is that you want to “do it all again, do it all again” this Friday night. And that’s why we’re writing. See, our educational outreach project this year is TAAABU, a.k.a. Teens Against Alcohol ABUse, and we have been learning SOOOOOOO much about binge drinking, drunk driving, and alcohol poisoning. Frankly, we’re just an itsy bit concerned that since last Friday night is all “a blacked out blur”, you may have a little problem.
Please, please don’t hurt yourself or anyone else! If you contact us at southernbellehell@gmail.com, we will gladly help you get back on track so that you can continue to be the super mega star you are and entertain the world far into the distant future! And not from prison or rehab!
Yours in Magnolia Love,
The Magnolia Maids of Bienville, Alabama:
Jane Fontaine Ventouras, Magnolia Queen
Brandi Lyn Corey, First Lady in Waiting
Ashley LaFleur, Second Lady in Waiting
Mallory Ross, Maid
Zara Alexander, Maid
Caroline Upton, Alternate
NOTE: This letter officially brought to you by Crickett Rumley, author of Never Sit Down in a Hoopskirt and Other Things I Learned in Southern Belle Hell.
www.crickettrumley.com
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